Chapter 1: Prehistory

Unreliable narrator.

The fear of not telling the full extent of the story by making everything super short or too long to maintain its objectivity. Reducing the aspect of personal feelings and avoiding speaking up for the sake of expression.

I have been avoiding the role of an unreliable narrator for the longest time because I don’t want to be subjected to lying. My personal truth is not important as long as I can maintain peace within the relationship. Withholding emotions to avoid misunderstanding and exaggerating word choices to soothe their ego. I don’t have to do that with you.

My time with you taught me that subjectivity can matter and even sometimes is preferred. It taught me, countless times, what you care about the most—and I am soothed. I will be an unreliable narrator. I will be selfish to convey what I felt. These entire writings are presented to show my proper worship of you and to close this year by expressing myself in the most unapologetic way possible.

Chapter I: Prehistory

That one time my yogurt was stolen.

Curious. I wonder what it was that attracted me to no end in engaging with you. Was it the vibe? Was it the fact that people interchangeably call our names? Or was it just as simple as what we concluded: "the soul knows"? That one yogurt was the start of it all—our endless banters, exchanges, and conversations. The one excuse used, if it may be called that.  Curious, Why I was so infatuated with you. I have been wanting to talk to you, only lacking the justification to do so.

The first yogurt I got as a consolation was not from you. The yogurt tasted sweet and sour and fresh, just the way it should be. The second consolation was sweet in essence and tasted just like any other yogurts. Yours tasted like how a yogurt should be but it felt like an achievement—as if that was the yogurt I have been waiting for and I finally got it.

The doughnut that came after was the perfect equivalent of the yogurt. It was not necessary but it made us feel good. I don’t like receiving gifts in general, and it’s not that I expect it from you. It just feels right when you give me things like that, even from the start. I am glad you didn’t eat the glaze until you got back home. I am glad you told me that after a while. I am glad it didn’t stop at the first exchange. It continued long enough for something else entirely to grow with it.

So the debate on who actually stole that yogurt didn't matter, after all. What mattered was the next evening where you bought me a substitution for it and the rest is (pre) history.

8 hours of DSM 5 with you

"So… should I leave the call or... " the exact thoughts I had when for the first time, for no reason whatsoever, it was just the two of us. Sure, we had had parallel calls before, but with very clear purposes and no talking needed. This time, though, it was different. It was the first time where it was just us talking about random things and me watching you eat. An activity I later on would always enjoy.

The back of my head kept screaming to avoid "potential" awkwardness and discomfort of being boring—of not having interesting conversation materials and ick you. The other side of the brain persisted to stay. The latter won and we spent a rather nervous 30 minutes together. I was not sure if you shared the same sentiment on what was happening but, on my end, it was something that I would like to do at that moment—which was why I stayed.

8 hours... that was how long we talked. Nonstop. No break in between. From astrology to DSM 5—well, to be specific, cluster B—reading it, discussing it, and then referencing media we could watch (I believe you still need to watch Gia and Crazy Ex-Girlfriend). Every minute was amusing. A high that felt familiar and dangerous. A high we both knew and experienced before but not yet learned the name of. A high tailored to our manic state. Hyper Fixated on everything we  about. Upping each other through each convo and finding more and more reasons to be infatuated with [each other's presence. The experience I had was far from ‘boring’. ‘It’ was forgotten the moment we talked. Eight hours with you in a very high state and far away from boredom was everything I needed before until we learned moderation. I learned something important on that day, though. I learned a lot about how similar yet different we are. I learned about lots of things you wouldn’t share with others. I learned a lot about not being lonely, because now I found someone who understands.

That day, I learned and realized that, with you and me, nothing will ever be boring.

Debate: "the catalyst” or “the excuse"?

As we have countless time established, debate becomes so much more fun when it's with you. It's a world we have known for so long, for the better or worse, that have definitely shaped us to be the person we are today.

Debate has always been something constant in my life. Something I go to when I am happy and not. Now, it's so much more than what it was. When you are infatuated with new things, it’s easy to say that debate will be substituted. That’s how it should be before. My new infatuation had always come at the expense of my love for debate. I was fine with it and it was not something unthinkable. Not with you, though. You do not erode my love for debate. Instead, you turn it and reform it into something more exciting. I never knew debate could be so much more fun that it already is. It's so amazingly interesting how my newfound feelings for debate do not suffocate me in the process.

If we look back to every debate moment we have, days of training together for a competition we don't even join together. Was it a mutual agreement that debate drew us closer to each other? Or was it an excuse all along? Because, for me, if it's not debate, I'll find another way to have more "shared" activities with you. I am glad it's debate. I am glad it is effortlessly easy because it's debate. I am glad we agreed that debate is just one of those puzzle pieces designed and finally put together after so long. An experience we were deprived from. A person who understands it. Somebody we needed years ago but definitely won't be able to appreciate as much as now. This is important because I really wonder: will we find the same frequency of respect if we shared debate in 2019 or 2020?

I am glad it is now.

Read Part 2 here