Chapter 3: GressCation & JessiCay

The foods

Sapo Tofu, Hotteok, Fish Ball Soup, Green Curry Chicken all have one thing in common: it reminded me of home. I presented you with how home looks to me and, as far as my memories go, it was all represented with food and scenery.

It was more about showing you a deeper version of me. To show you a memory that I can represent with no other way but stories and foods. I was happy with the way your face lightened up with the taste. It was all curated for you, sure, but to be frank, I was afraid it wouldn’t be pleasant still. I am thankful that everything was received well, understood, and enjoyed in the best way possible.

You replicate home to me in my language of food. It was translated so exceptionally well. It was not the exact mimic on how they were remembered by me, but it was translated and paraphrased in your own definition of hominess.

Thank you for the soup. They were warm just like how my mom used to make them. Thank you for the Mie Sua. They reminded me of all the birthdays where I wasn’t alone. Thank you for the hainan rice chicken. They were not the same as the uncle made ones, but they were filled with so much effort and tasted as rich. It warmed my heart with every scoop and every taste savored. Thank you for every little detail of the menu you made me. Grocery shopping with you was fun. Watching you cooking was fun. Eating with you was exceptionally fun.

You taught me how home should be—how structural it could look like—in the kindest way possible. You understand and I can never stop thanking you for how delicate you were in the entire process. I hope I could share with you more values in your life as well.

I started this chapter thinking of a story to tell, but all I could write about at the end is how grateful I am for you. The entire being of you is pleasant—indescribable, I suppose—but it is not me if I don’t try to put it in words, right?

You are what all my favorite food looks and tastes like: complex, full of flavor, and always makes so much sense combined. Easily misunderstood because it is an acquired taste. As to how the relationship with you should be, it should be acquired with effort and careful attention. As to what it always was, being in your constant presence is an accomplishment for me. You are way too valuable to just be a gift given by the universe. I am glad I found you, I am glad we talked in the restaurant, I am glad we sat together on the bus, I am glad we shared that one pudding, I am glad I asked you for your dessert the next morning, and I am glad we never stopped sharing our affinity for taste in everything.

The places

Rundown, Places to visit, and Activities to do. Plan ahead of time to make sure everything went well to avoid any kind of unnecessary pain we have to go through. More importantly: to impress you with my knowledge. It's an inherently self-centric reason. It’s the kind of reason that reminds you of how teenagers behave with their crushes. I would like to impress you in the silliest smallest detail possible.

In return, you made sure we look aesthetically good and well-fed. I’d like to believe it was the exact same thoughts and feelings.

I had tons of enjoyment because, while I did want to enjoy and immerse myself in the places we visited for its beauty and intellect, I couldn’t help but focus on you instead. The first encounter after pre-history on the airport was monumental. You looked so cute in my green hoodie and you smiled so brightly at me. We—but especially me— know how to look at each other. You were so unreal. Imagine how a person can be a lot of things at once.

The second day, third day, and fourth day were all amazingly cozy. I saw it often before: you in your element, in comfortable clothing at home, but not directly. To witness it in person was a different level of ecstasy.

From head to toe you were perfect. Your naturally curly hair was so soft. It fell so perfectly well on your face, framing it in the best way possible. Your eyes were so expressive. They shone brightly at little things that excited you and they grew darker at things that upset you.

Your lips were alluring. The way it curved when you smiled. The way it moved when you spoke.

Everything combined was just a new form of excellency—or, should I say, superiority? Your entire physical being that I don’t dare to talk about here would remain in secrecy, I guess.

The rest of our run down was just breathtaking. You fit so well in so many different places and lighting just like how I imagined it would be. You looked so naturally good it baffled me. You without a touch of makeup looked the best. You with a touch of makeup looked the best. There were so many “the best” versions of you in my head and that was what was amazing about you. Every presentation would always top the last one. I am starving for many more new contents about you. Just like you said, “I will kiss the ground you walk on.” That sentence finally held its weight and not just a statement of exaggeration. It fitted perfectly well with the emotion expressed.

Most of all, I love your smile. It speaks volumes of your beauty. I don’t want any other smile but yours. If people were to ask me whether or not you are the most deserving of worship of all, the answer would be a direct yes. It’s not just about that, though. It is also about whether or not I care about being proven wrong. I don’t. I just need to live through my definition of righteousness which is you.

This chapter is a glimpse of my persisting worship to you. Not as raw as the hidden desire from previous stages, but still on a high that is carnal.

With us, it’s always stereotypical rom-com scenarios. We hate it to be true, but deep down, we enjoy the fact we can become that version of people. I mean, how else can we do that if not with each other? The formula that works because there is magic in it: a secret potion.

The magic potion

What ignites passion? Is it physical attraction? Is it romantic emotions? Is it mutual respect for intellect?

We looked for the answer to that our entire lives. It’s not easy to find. I believe the chance to actually make sense of your passion to someone comes at such a rare occasion that it's almost as if we are lucky to even come close to it.

“Why do you like me?“ “Why do I like you?” combinations of questions that are often asked and, let's be honest, treated ridiculously. I treated those questions with such disgust before, because why ask? I probably was offended because, if I traced the answer, it would be something earthly. The thought of affection to be something explainable disgusted me. It didn’t feel right and I am afraid of having my feelings explained and intellectualized. Hence, I turned myself into someone stupid in partnerships. With you, it was never the case. We can argue that it’s my mental illness that forced me to mimic and tailor my personality to you, but the truth is I never felt more myself than now. It felt like all my conscience became heightened and awakened. It got me to remember how I was before any of the life shenanigans that occurred. It reminded me that kindness was good and was what I needed to aim for like mama said. Everything was cliche, and yet, everything felt right. It was comforting in a way that, while the answers to previous questions were blurry, we would be fine with any answers because we know even the answer would be right. I am not afraid of the fact that people might assume it as something earthly because it might be true in some aspects. But I am comforted and confident it is not.

Not putting a label and name for it was also a way to defend myself. I suppose when you have been in so many disappointing romantic endeavors, you start to question what’s the formula that makes it work? Not the relationship per se, because making something out of scratch was not an issue. The issues were foundational. Things couldn't stay afloat if it was not built on the correct foundations.

What could be called the correct foundations, then? Is it trust? Maturity? Passion? Sexual compatibility? Or something else entirely? All of those were correct and good, but it was not enough for us, wasn’t it?

In the grand scheme of plan, we were looking for something closer to providence or synchronicity.

“A phenomenon in which people interpret two separate—and seemingly unrelated—experiences as being meaningfully intertwined”.

We were living in a parallel world for so long and never encountered each other. However, no matter how seemingly unrelated they were, we found meaning through it now.

So fuck it then, I will accept it. I will accept us. I will accept the words wholeheartedly.

Three words that kept ringing in my head for the longest time in our time continuum.

Masked with other words that were inadequate in comparison to it, but still equally true.

I adore you, my whip cream, with a massive blanket surrounding your body and god forbid you actually look like one.

I respect you, the grounded personality that you have shaped and earned through years of your life is the source of my inspiration.

I believe in you. Everything aligns, what you say and what you do. I never doubted you, but you also never gave me reason to do so.

I want you. It has been established through the entirety of this writing, but let me phrase it out just to make it clearer.

I like you. I do. Because, how couldn’t I? If anyone in the world ever dislike you for whatever reason, it’s their loss.

I like you a lot…

I love you.

Yes, that’s it, isn’t it? No expectations on anything beyond just loving you. What comes after love can fuck it because what matter is the fact it’s true. It doesn’t have to be manifested. It’s a feeling that can be understood by you and that’s enough.

It’s understood in so many ways before and it keeps being validated more and more.

So, the potion then.

It’s acceptance, isn’t it? Everything else is extra ingredients. They help make everything easier for us. Physical attraction? Yes. You are beautiful, cute, and so hot it is unimaginable. Respect for intellectuality? Obviously. You are so smart in the most unconventional way that it baffles me every time you say otherwise. You are curious, amazingly perceptive, and full of wonderful knowledge. Romance? The way we look at each other should be enough to answer this part.

All of this becomes possible because the underlying part of our relationship has always been acceptance. The way you fully accepted my existence and vice versa is why it works. The acceptance is a given. We were destined to meet at our current stage of life, and we work to maintain such a level of adoration towards each other.

The magic is a mix of divine guidance from the universe and our own personalities.

The you that feels like home, the you that accepted me, the you that is so kind to people you care about, the you that cares about lots of people, the you that existed before, now, and in the future. The me that is trying my best to be on par with how kind you are, the me that loves you, the me that wants to be better just to make sure things can work.

We were lucky and we worked hard. We found the best potion and worked hard to create it. I wouldn’t want to experience it with anybody else but you. Let’s be honest though, it’s not like we got any other choice but each other.

The work in progress now is to protect the magic potion—to sustain it for as long as we could and, with this, I am taking you for eternity for myself.

The end of the year.

That's why the post ends here, for now. The truest experience we got are the past and present. Anything that lies ahead will be promises, and that can stay between us for now. I can’t wait to write you more things in the future, though.

The end of the year is here. I have been blessed by your presence for a while and that is all I needed. The kind of experience I didn’t think I deserve, which is why I stopped asking and kept settling for what's given—exaggerating it as if that was the divine message from the universe. It wasn’t. And it took me living in our experience to know the difference.

This is not a gift. This appreciation post is the standard that you deserve. The bare minimum for your grace.

Thank you for existing. I know it wasn’t the most pleasant ride, but I am glad you made it through this far and we met. I wish the world could’ve been kinder. But, if it’s not, then we can aim to be that for each other and, hopefully, strong enough to grow and be kinder to people.

I love you and happy new year. What matters now is you, me, and Eris between us.